Hello From the Other Side

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last sat down to write a blog post. It just doesn’t seem possible and yet, here we are…

When I walked away from my computer last February, I had no idea it would take me a year to come back. My plan was to take a short break while I got some health issues figured out and them come back, stronger (healthier) and better than ever. But that didn’t happen. Instead of finding answers, I now have more questions. Instead of getting better, I got worse. Much worse.

Overdramatic much?

Over the course of this past year I’ve seen 11 different doctors, been to 3 different emergency rooms, taken my first emergency ambulance ride (which is waaaay less fun than what they make it appear in dramas… Go figure!), had more tests done than I can even count and have an entire pharmacy’s worth of medications sitting on top of my refrigerator. My quality of life has dropped significantly as I attempt (rather unsuccessfully) to find ways to deal with the pain that has become a permanent fixture in my life. I often find myself explaining to others, “I’m not really living anymore, I’m just existing” and to be perfectly honest, it sucks! I’ve really struggled with this whole transition from “wonder mom” (which isn’t really me but people seem to think I am anyway) to barely function human being. Despite what some might think, it’s not easy, going from productive member of society to useless pile of whacked out nerves and endless pain. What makes this whole thing even worse is the fact that I still haven’t been able to find a doctor who can figure out what’s wrong with me. Most of them either look at me and go “Oh… well… that’s odd” or treat me like I’m an attention-seeking, hypochondriacal, wackadoo Hausfrau with too much time on her hands. Sometimes it’s both.

I tried to put off writing a post like this for as long as possible because I wanted to be able to come in at the end with a happy “But now I’m back and better than ever!” But I can’t. I wanted to have all my questions answered. But they’re not. I wanted to have my life back on track. But it isn’t. I wanted to be able to say, to all of you who may be suffering with your own chronic illnesses, “Hang in there! An answer is on the way! You’ve got this!” Which really, is the only thing I can say, not just to others but to myself as well. Some days I believe it, some days I don’t. But I have to keep trying because what’s the alternative?

Like so many others going through life with a chronic illness, I often find myself wondering why life decided to throw me this curve ball but I never come up with an answer. I don’t know why my nervous system has decided to go completely wacky, or why my spine feels like it’s a flaming lightning rod all. the. frickin’. time. I don’t know why I’ve had a migraine-like headache every second of every day for the past 2 years. I don’t know why some days my legs are like “NOPE! You’re not going to walk today!” I don’t know why I can’t talk someone into doing that Mortal Kombat finishing move on me and pull my head off, Sub-Zero-style, taking my spine out with it. (For some reason people seem to think that one might not actually help me feel any better… Weird.)

There are a lot of things I don’t know. But one thing I do know is, I’m not giving up. Not now. Not ever. I’m going to keep fighting. I’m going to keep searching for answers. I’m going to keep doing the absolute best I can; even if that means that some days all I do is drag myself from my bed to the couch and back again. Because, again, what’s the alternative? Giving up isn’t an option so I’m just going to keep trying.

I hope that some day soon, I’ll be able to hop back on here with the happy news that I’ve finally found answers, that I’m finally starting to feel like my old zombie self, that life is finally starting to get back to normal. Believe me, stepping away from writing for this long has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But as Yong Junhyung says in his first album intro, “nothing is forever” and I have to believe that someday “this too shall pass.” Until then, know that I’m still here. I’m still watching as many dramas as I can. I’m still squealing over K-Pop comebacks and life-ending teaser photos and heart-stopping music videos. I’m still trying to make it to as many concerts as I can. I’m still doing everything I can to keep as much of me “me” as I can. Because life doesn’t end just because you have a chronic illness, it just has to slow down every now and then. (A fact I’m still not willing to accept without much grumbling… *grumble grumble grumble*)

For Jonghyun: You Did Well

Three weeks ago, a brilliant star let his light fade from this world and in his absence, I have struggled to find a way to deal with his passing. I know that to some it seems so silly, mourning the loss of someone so wholly unconnected to me, but I’m not writing this for those people. I’m writing this for me and for those out there who may be struggling, as I am, to find some way to say this last goodbye. Continue reading “For Jonghyun: You Did Well”

Musing of a Drama-Addicted, K-Pop Fangirl: HOLY CRAP, WHAT A WEEK!

IMGP7842

With my lack of posts over the past week or so, it’s been very obvious that I’ve been very much slacking on my blogging duties but in my defense, it’s not every day you get to celebrate your 15th wedding anniversary and it’s even less often you get to celebrate that anniversary in Cancun! With that being the case, I apologize for neglecting the world of Hallyu but really, I can’t say I’m super-duper sad because, well, I was in frickin’ Mexico! Continue reading “Musing of a Drama-Addicted, K-Pop Fangirl: HOLY CRAP, WHAT A WEEK!”

Musings of a (Drama Addicted) K-Pop Fangirl: I Think I Have A Problem

cuties

We all know I’m a frequent sufferer of Second Lead Syndrome. I don’t really know why. I just have a soft spot for those oh-so-adorable guys who have so much boyfriend potential but, for whatever reason, are eternally friend-zoned. They’re like cute puppies rolling around in an abandoned cardboard box, doomed to watch all their litter-mates whisked away to homes while they watch. It’s a sad, sad thing and my heart goes out to them. Often. Continue reading “Musings of a (Drama Addicted) K-Pop Fangirl: I Think I Have A Problem”

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

5

I know I’m a little late in writing this but I still wanted to take a second to wish you all the best in this new year. May your year be filled with joy, health, happiness, prosperity, K-Pop, dramas, and more biases than you could ever hope to swoon over! Thanks for squeeing with me over the past year. I love you all! ♥♥♥

 

A CITY, A CONCERT AND A ZOMBIE

Group 2

Hey there everyone! I know I don’t have any of my regular Friday posts up this week and for that I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here, I’m just slightly busy at the moment… Something about BTS being in my city… and a concert… and… Yeah. For those of you who may be headed to TRB tonight in Chicago, I hope you get all the winks and smiles and body rolls and fan-service you could every hope to have. I hope the amazing talent of BTS leaves you in awe and if you happen to shed a few tears of joy, know that you’re not alone. (Yes, sometimes even zombies cry when they’re happy.) If you’re at the concert tonight and you happen to see someone walking around with bright pink hair and glasses, looking so insanely happy she might actually explode, that would probably be me. I’d be more than happy if you stopped me for a second to say hi or squee over a bias or two… or three or four or seven… I’m always a fan of meeting new people and making new friends! Hope to see you there!

MUSINGS OF A K-POP FANGIRL: GOT7, Chicago and a Zombie

group 1

As I’m sure many of you know, GOT7 is coming to Chicago this Friday, the second of three stops the boys will make in their first U.S. Fan Meet, presented by Jazzy Group. What you may not know (okay, you probably do know but I’m going to pretend like you don’t) is that I’m going to be there and that means if you’re there, I can finally meet you! Yippee! Continue reading “MUSINGS OF A K-POP FANGIRL: GOT7, Chicago and a Zombie”

ZOMBIE’S JAMS OF 2014

2

Jimin may be accused of having no jams but I’ve got them in spades so I thought it’d be fun to share with you my top jams of 2014 because why not? We’ve all got songs we could listen to on repeat for forever and as sucky as this past year was in a lot of ways, it still brought with it a ton of fabulous tunes. (Which may not make up for the parts of the year that sucked but it certainly made dealing with the sucky a bit easier.) So here are the artists, albums and tunes that brightened my 2014… Continue reading “ZOMBIE’S JAMS OF 2014”

%d bloggers like this: