You know, when I first got into K-Pop, I was a pretty casual listener. I’d find a group I liked, give them a listen, appreciate their music and move on. It was a simple life, full of good times and great music but as time went on and my love for K-Pop grew, I began to notice that some bands were stealing a bit more of my time and attention. At the time, I didn’t think much of this, as I chalked it all up to being a fan of the music, but as time went on I found myself skipping over different artists in, what I thought, was an innocent quest to find more music from artists that had somehow managed to catch my eye.
I should have known, right then and there, that something was up but I was a rookie in the world of K-Pop and I didn’t think anything of the hours I spent watching and re-watching different music videos; nor did I suspect anything was out of the ordinary when I stumbled upon the endless hours of reality shows that conveniently featured the bands I was most into at the time. As time went on, I found myself focusing more and more on one particular band but even after watching every episode of every reality show they’d ever filmed, I still couldn’t bring myself to admit I’d found my ultimate bias group. I simply didn’t think it was possible for me, the ultimate multi-fan, to commit to one band to the point of loving them above all others. I mean, how could I love just one band when there were so many amazing groups out there?
I spent a lot of time ignoring the fact that one particularly sneaky band had worked their way into my heart, without me realizing it, but what I refused to acknowledge myself was quickly becoming apparent to everyone else. I distinctly remember the day I was finally forced to admit to having an ultimate bias group, by a very sweet and lovely Twitter friend who, after a lengthy conversation about K-Pop and favorite groups and a bit of spazzing on my part, pointed out that, despite all I’d been saying to the contrary, it sounded like I’d found my ultimate bias group. It took about half a second for that little nugget of wisdom to sink in and the moment it did, the whole world suddenly made sense. (Ahhh! So that’s why Tuesdays had become my favorite day of the week…)
Having finally admitted to having an ultimate bias group, I happily joined the ranks of my fellow Starlights and I’m not gonna lie, finding an entire community of like-minded, VIXX-loving friends who are always just as happy to spazz over our beloved boys as I, has been so much fun. I’ve met so many wonderful people and made so many amazing friends and together we’ve been able to spazz over comebacks, swoon over favorite members, laugh at silly side projects, chat about interviews, squee over guest appearances and die over concerts, and all because we share an undying love for VIXX. Had I known that admitting VIXX was my ultimate bias group was going to make life so much fun, I’d have admitted it a LONG time ago!
As wonderful as it’s been, openly and freely loving VIXX with all my little zombie heart, I’ve recently come to realize that having an ultimate bias group isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still love VIXX more than I probably should and I will continue to love and support them for as long as I draw breath but I’ve come to realize that loving a group this much isn’t always sunshine and rainbow ponies, in fact sometimes, it’s just plain painful as I’m now very much aware.
You see, this time last week I was just over twenty-four hours away from seeing VIXX up-close and in person, as they made the first of two stops on their super short tour across the U.S. here in Chicago. I’m sure you can imagine my excitement as the hours leading up to seeing VIXX slowly ticked by, as being able to meet your ultimate bias group in person is a literal fangirl dream come true. On more than one occasion I had to stop what I was doing and remind myself to breathe, as the thought of meeting VIXX in person very nearly got the better of me. I just couldn’t help it. I’ve loved VIXX for what feels like forever and being the sad, international Starlight that I am, this rare opportunity to show VIXX my love in person was proving to be too much for me. Still, I somehow managed to survive and I made it to the concert alive and well, though all that changed the moment VIXX stepped out onto that stage. Seeing VIXX in person, with only three rows standing between me and the stage, was without a doubt, the highlight of my K-Pop fangirl life and I spent the next two hours with VIXX in some sort of pink haze of wonderfulness as they proved to me a trillion times over why I’d made them my ultimate bias group. Of course meeting VIXX afterwards is a moment I will never forget, as their dazzling smiles and warm hands will be forever ingrained in both my heart and my head but as wonderful as that moment was, the pain that has inevitably followed is beyond real. Ugh!
The pain of post-concert depression is something I’m all too familiar with, having suffered some degree of it after every single concert I’ve ever attended, but nothing, in all the world, could have prepared me for this type of hurt. I feel like I’ve got a giant, gaping hole in my chest and nothing in this world will ever make it right. The days following this concert have been some of the most painful and depressing of my life and it’s all because these stinking boys swept into my town, with all of their dazzling wonderfulness, stole my heart, and left without so much as a word. Augh! You stupid boys! WHY!?!
I think what makes this pain worse is knowing that when VIXX left, they really left, as in, they’re-back-on-their-side-of-the-world-and-I’m-stuck-here-in-this-miserably-lonely-barren-wasteland-of-snow-and-ice-longing-for-the-warmth-of-those-beautiful-smiles-while-being-forced-to-search-for-them-through-the-cold-and-uncaring-internet and honestly, that just doesn’t cut it anymore. I’ve seen VIXX in person. I now know first-hand, how amazing they are and it kills me to know that half a flipping planet and an indefinite period of time keeps me from seeing them again. If I ever get to seem then again. Blah! I tell you, having an ultimate bias group isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and there’s a very big part of me that wishes I’d never bothered to give these dumb boys my heart because I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with these stupid feels. The lyrics to “Error” suddenly come to mind and I think they pretty much sum up everything I’m feeling right now. If I love VIXX, it hurts. If I try to let them go, it hurts even more. So here I sit, sobbing over the fact that my heart lies in the hands of six stupidly wonderful boys, half a world away, who will never remember their brief encounter with one insanely happy, purple-haired zombie, while I will remember that same encounter for the rest of my life. (I tell you, the fact that I made no impression whatsoever while they left an indelible one is what kills me more than anything! *sobs* It hurts so much!)
So to all you fangirls and boys out there who have yet to make the ultimate bias group commitment, let this be a warning to you. There’s nothing wrong with loving one band more than any other, in fact there are many wonderful reasons to do so, but I hope you go into it knowing that loving a group this much comes with its own unique pain and sometimes that pain lingers much longer than you’d like. Though I have found a way to deal with that pain… It’s called backup bias groups! They’re wonderful for providing distractions when the pain of your ultimate bias group gets to be too much. Hello GOT7… BTS… So nice of you to show up when I need you the most… Why yes, I’ll spend hours watching everything you’ve ever recorded… (Oh what a tangled web I weave!)